Saturday, 21 July 2018
Englishman in Dubrovnik Englishman in Dubrovnik

Man flu is more painful than childbirth

By  Mark Thomas Jan 13, 2018

It happens every year. I know I should really take some injections or medicine or maybe a kilo of oranges every day. Yes, I have had the “man flu.” In fact, I caught it at just the right time. I know that I am going to sound like a bit of a party breaker but I am not a great fan of New Year’s Eve. It’s like you hang around in the cold waiting for something to happen, something miraculous, and when nothing does you just get absolutely drunk. Sounds like the other 364 days of the year really.

So yes, I caught my deadly man flu the day before New Year’s Eve giving me the perfect excuse to avoid getting crushed by the Bosnians of the Stradun or even staying up to midnight. When I say man flu that’s probably something of an exaggeration, I mean it lasted only a few days so flu is probably a little bit of a stretch. I have never been one for taking lots of tablets or medicines, if possible I prefer to heal myself the natural way. So plenty of honey was shovelled down my throat, steaming soup was served, rakija (of course rakija cures all ailments) and lemon juice.

Man flu is more painful than childbirth. This is an irrefutable scientific fact (based on a survey of over 100,000 men.) So it was repeats of old films and bed rest for my New Year celebrations. My bones felt like they had squeezed by Thor, my head thumped like it was a drum and my sneeze rate was one a minute. All combined with one of those boring high temperatures, I was near death! “Another bowl of soup?” asked my wife who was performing her duties as a nurse. They say what you do on the first day of the new year is an indication of how you will spend your year. If that is true, I will be in bed for most of the year eating bloody soup.

Here is my explanation of this virus that made me miss the New Year - A rare strain of flu so powerful and so deadly it can only be matched by the Bubonic Plague and Aids. An incurable virus which has adapted to only effect the "XY" gene found in men. The virus attacks the immune system 10,000 times harder than the average flu virus, causing excruciating pain for the victim. Man flu has no cure and prayers can save the forsaken life of the infected. The often deadly virus is mostly laughed at by women who sadly cannot contract "Man Flu." – I can’t say I’m sorry that I missed the fun on the Stradun. Even if I was fit and healthy and bouncing around like a rabbit in Spring I would still have avoided Dino like a vampire avoids garlic. It isn’t that I don’t like him, I don’t know he personally, it’s just that I have never heard one of his songs. I haven’t gone out of my way to avoid him I just haven’t bumped into his tunes. Although by the short research I did on YouTube I seem to have dodged a bullet by not going. I am trying not to be like the other hundred people I have bumped into who complained graphically about Dino performing. No, I am not qualified enough to have an opinion. I am must going to reveal in the fact that my man flu hit me at just the right time.

Oh, and I had plenty of time to make New Year’s resolutions. In fact, I made one and so far so good. Interestingly the most common resolution in the UK was – turn your mobile phone off. No, not completely just enough to avoid being a complete addict to Candy Crush or dumb cat videos on Facebook. The second most popular was – remember your manners. Which you could probably connect to the first one. And the third most popular, believe it or not was – clean your shoes. So if you polished your shoes whilst saying sorry to your mobile for switching it off you would have covered all three. The study then went on to mention that 80 percent of all New Year’s resolutions are broken within a week. I guess that means that only a fifth of you are still following the ones you made then. Maybe I should have made one to avoid getting man flu. However, apart from the aching bones and sore head I quite enjoyed spending a few days under the duvet.

As one of my favourite comedians in England once joked “Man flu is not ‘just a cold’. It is a condition so severe that the germs from a single man flu sneeze could wipe out entire tribes of people living in the rainforest. And probably loads of monkeys too.”

 

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