Saturday, 21 July 2018
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How my wife saved me from Batman

By  Mark Thomas Sep 10, 2016

I have always thought of myself as a relatively brave person, well relatively. But when it comes to small animals in confined spaces I have a gaping hole in my armour. They just seem to make too many flapping noises, scurrying sounds or general freakish behaviour that scares the living daylights out of me.

I know what you are going to say – they are more afraid of you than you are of them. I would disagree; if they are more afraid than I am then they would have keeled over from a heart attack!

We had a situation a few years back when a small rat invaded our home. I escaped to another room to leave my wife to deal with the problem of Mickey Mouse, or Mickey Rat. And since that day I am reminded on a regular basis of how I fled with my tail between my legs.

Just the other night, on a dark night, I once again proved my fear of small animals in confined spaces. Let me set the scene. It was just after midnight and as I couldn’t sleep I was watching some documentary whilst my wife slept beside me like a baby. The bluish glow of the TV filled the bedroom and all was dead silent. Then I saw a moth flickering around the room, bloody hell that’s a bloody big moth, oh crap it is a moth...it’s a bat!

The bat, or as I nicknamed him Batman, was circling around in the blue darkness, flying loops around my bedroom, with a odd flapping sound. So what do you do in such situations...dive under the blankets of course. I flung the blankets over my head as if I was hiding behind a force field, the magical steel blanket will protect me. I could hear the bat dive bombing over my head in the darkness, a flashing silhouette through the thin blanket. He was coming after me; at least that’s what my brain was telling the rest of my body.

Images from horror movies where bats get tangled up in people’s hair whilst they scream like new-born babies flashed before my eyes. Vampire bats that suck blood from innocent cows whilst they graze in fields, I was having a panic attack!

And of course what does a grown man do in these situations; wake up his wife of course.
“Boba wake up there’s a bat in the room,” I whispered. OK, I didn’t whisper I yelled. “A what,” came the sleeping reply. “A bloody bat is flying around our bedroom,” there was a touch of panic in my voice that my wife picked up on. She now saw me in the foetus position holding the blanket over my head.

She poked her head up and saw Batman looping around in the darkness. “Ah, poor thing, it is scared,” she answered. Not half as scared as I am, “what shall we do,” I replied. I peeked over the edge of the blanket as a soldier in World War I would sneak a look over the trenches.

Then another bluish light got my attention, but this time from under the blankets. “What are you doing,” I asked my wife. “Looking on Google for an answer on how to deal with bats in bedrooms,” she replied as if it was something she searched for everyday. As Batman dive bombed me like a Japanese zero fighter in Pearl Harbour my wife was watching YouTube videos on bats on her iPad! I was in a Monty Python sketch.

“Aha, it says all we need to do is remain calm and open the windows and it will find a way to fly out by itself,” she exclaimed thanking Google. There were two problems with this theory, remain calm and open a window. The window was a problem because Mr. Batman had flown in the house from the dining room, taken a right turn at the WC and flown into our bedroom. The windows were closed in our room. And I was about as calm as a turkey at Christmas.

“I will open the window,” said my wife. Good idea. I added “open both of them whilst you are there.” Batman circled around her head, I cowered under the blanket and the documentary still blared in the background. “Now fly out,” said my wife to the bat as if speaking to a baby. Batman had other plans. For the next ten minutes he flew around the bedroom, I have a feeling he was doing it on purpose just to annoy me. I was stuck under my blanket shield whilst Batman performed flying stunts around the lampshade. And in the darkness I heard my wife laughing “do you remember that time when the mouse came into our house...” I knew it!

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